Entries from August 2006 ↓

P.O. Box 804
Planetarium Station
New York, NY 10024-0545

Andrew Baron and Joanne Colan,

I am writing you this heated letter in preemptive response to your nonresponse to this letter.

Signed,

Jeremy David

Sigourney Weaver
c/o International Creative Management
8942 Wilshire Boulevard,
Beverly Hills
CA 90211
U.S.A.

Dear Sigourney Weaver,

I was hoping you could help me design a tree-house. I’m thinking something very contemporary – although I trust your judgment if you have any other ideas.

Thanks for your help!

Jeremy David

Martha Stewart c/o
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
11 West 42nd Street, 25th Floor
New York, NY 10036

Dear Martha Stewart,

I just wanted to send you a quick thank you for insider trading, and lying to the FBI.

You are the craft, decorating, and homemaking guru. Millions of women across the word idolize you, and I knew that this little incident could not tarnish your brand. When your stock price plummeted, I knew it would bounce back.

Thanks to your little faux-pas, I made $217,000.

The next time you plan on doing something… under the table… please give me a sign. How about sending me a recipe for cookies if I should sell your shares, and sending me a recipe for cake if I should buy?

Ha ha ha just kidding! *wink*

Please and Thank You!

Jeremy

Google Inc.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, CA 94043
phone: (650) 253-0000
fax: (650) 253-0001

Dearest Google,

You have successfully seduced me with your words. You are magnificent and spectacular in every way imaginable, and I think it is time for us to take our relationship to the next level.

As a corporation you are a “legal person”, and a legal person can, and should, get married. I want to be your husband.

I am more than willing to sign a prenuptial agreement – I have no interest in your multibillion dollar estate. The only thing I need from you is your commitment and companionship. I love you, and know that you love me.

For a time I thought I loved another, but no, I was fooling myself. You are my one and only. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Google, will you marry me?

Jeremy David

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear George,

Let me start by saying that I thank God every night since I found you. You came into my life when everything seemed so dark but you provided the light to find my way.

I can’t explain why I feel this way about you. You called the ¾ of Americans who support stem cell research murders. Yet, I still see you glowing in evanescent light. You hate gay people, and you perpetuate a state of fear in your country. There are so many things that you do wrong in the eyes of the international community, but still, I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life like I am of my love for you. You have totally changed my outlook in life and I thank you for that. I never thought that I could love someone like I do, and I haven’t even met you, and I doubt I ever will. You are my inspiration in life and you are my life. I love you more than words could ever express.

“You are a brook, a stream of metaphors, a torrent of eloquence, a reservoir of allegories.”

You are a terrorist invading my heart, but I pray no forces ever set me free.

Forever Yours,

Jeremy David

Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA

Ahoy Proud Beauty!

Because you be me favorite Monarch, I wrote ye a poem.

“whar be the galley,
know ye barnacle-covered Skull & Scuppers,
be that galley, matey”

You be needin’ to carve that there poem into your royal scepter. Be warned, I be hankerin to steal ye treasure and seize all yer doubloons. Me dear ol mum, bless her black soul, tol me to come across buried trasure. know ye me mate, ol Rumpot.

How be t’ lads? I reckon we swill a pint or two of grog!

I be needin to have a bit of a lie down.

arrr,
Jeremy

Meryl Streep c/o
Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825
USA

Dear Meryl Streep,

I’ve never written “fan mail” before… but I felt inclined to write you.

I remember the first time I saw one of your films. I cannot remember the title, but your character was involved in some legal dispute with a huge corporation. The company poisoned some town, and the protagonist, who you played, brought the corporate conglomerate to its knees. I was ecstatic when you won the Academy Award for Best Actress.

In this era of mainstream media’s perpetual selling of sex, it’s refreshing to see an actress who remains so elegant. Not many could play a classy prostitute, but you pulled it off flawlessly. Pretty Woman is a timeless movie, and your character will live on forever.

And in Closer… so seductive and mysterious. I don’t know how you do it. Well, actually, I guess that’s why you are famous. That and your perfect smile.

If I had two wishes, I would first create world peace, and then meet you.

Thank you for being such a talented actress.

I’m sure you get hundreds of letters every day, but I would be eternally grateful if you could send me a reply.

Jeremy David

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
8949 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90211

Receiving your invitation to become a voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was unequivocally the most significant moment in my life. I am honored to be afforded this opportunity, and I sincerely thank you for your consideration.

I feel as though I am at the podium accepting an Oscar, as I am having trouble finding words to succinctly and eloquently express how I feel. I thank you, now and forever, for adding this fulfillment to my life.

I look forward to your correspondence, and I eagerly anticipate the next steps in this process.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Jim Donald
CEO Starbucks
PO Box 34067
Seattle, Washington
98124-1067

Dear Jim,

As I sit behind my computer listening to Johnny Cash’s cover of Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind I am pleasantly reminded of how you personally made my day today.

I am a proud Starbucks Duetto Card holder, and I am writing this letter to thank you for sending me a coupon for a free sandwich and a Tangerine Frappuccino with my bill last month. This little act of generosity made me feel like a real person, and I applaud you for rubber stamping this initiative. My pleasant afternoon – sitting under a Starbucks’ umbrella enjoying these tasty treats – will live on in my memory until the end of time.

I cannot imagine what the world would be like without kind, generous, and thoughtful CEOs like yourself.

Enjoy the rest of your day, as I certainly have enjoyed mine.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David