Entries from September 2006 ↓

CSIS
PO BOX 9732 STN T
OTTAWA ON K1G 4G4

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Jeremy David, and I want to be a spy. I’m young enough to go through extensive training. Maybe in the art of NINJA or TAI-CHI.

Please help me in this application process. I look forward to long-term employment with the Canadian Security Intelligence Service.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

comments@nobel.se

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to nominate Tina Turner to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Her song “Private Dancer” has revolutionized the world.

I would like to be included as one of your nominators during the next batch of nominations.

Thank you kindly,

Jeremy David

Tom’s of Maine
Consumer Dialogue Department
302 Lafayette Center
Kennebunk, ME 04043

To Whom It May Concern:

Someone told me that aluminum is unhealthy, and I am very impressionable, so I purchased some of your Caledula aluminum free Natural Deodorant. To my dismay, the product was ineffective.

I met up with a friend, we hung out at the beach, and then went back to their house to have sex. When I took of my shirt, I realized how bad I smelled. It was embarrassing! I do not want to go into any more detail, but the situation was pretty intense.

Do you sell any deodorant that actually works?

Please do your best to rectify this situation.

Tigerly Yours,

Jeremy David

Cameron Diaz
c/o Rick Yorn
The Firm
9456 Wilshire Blvd #212
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Cameron Diaz,

Wow! What a cool name! “The Firm”. It sounds so… powerful. “I’m represented by The Firm. The Firm gets 20% of my money. Everyone takes me seriously because I have The Firm written on my business card. The Firm will stop at nothing to make me a star. I love it!

Wasn’t there a movie called The Firm? Starring Tom Cruise? I’m pretty sure I saw it on TV the other day. Something about a sinister law firm over billing clients and committing mail fraud? I hope your firm isn’t doing anything taboo.

Do you think you could get me hooked up with The Firm? I’m pretty sure that would be fantastic.

Anyway, keep up the good work. I’m really looking forward to your response!

Hugs, Ponies, and Coffee through a Straw,

Jeremy David

Oxford University Press
198 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10016

To Whom It May Concern:

I have created a language. It’s called “Joromo”. I would like you to include a reference to it in your dictionary.

I will teach you how to speak it:

1. Every syllable ends in “o”
2. There is only one tense (present tense).
3. Everything is singular
4. “is” is “tso”
5. It is acceptable to skip words or parts of words.

Hello. I am speaking “Joromo”.
Holo, O omo spoko “Joromo.”

You are so beautiful.
Yo so byo-to-fo.

It is so beautiful.
Tso byo-to-fo.

Don’t you forget about me.
Dono yo fogoto bo mo.

No free bananas for you, mister!
No-no promo bonono fo yo, mo-sto!

Thank you kindly for your prompt response in this matter.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Calorie Restriction Society
187 Ocean Drive
Newport, North Carolina 28570
USA

Dear Brian Delaney, Meredith Averill, and friends,

I am fascinated by your calorie restriction findings. Life extension made possible simply by eating less is astonishing. I was worried I was going to have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to get my head frozen.

I hate my body. I’ve always thought that eating less food would make me thin and beautiful. And now, you have shown me that eating less food will not only make me thin but make me live until I’m 120! This is a colossal moment of greatness in my life. A revelation! I’m going to start this immediately!

Nothing would make me happier than an autographed copy of “The Longevity Diet”.

I will check my mail in eager anticipation every day.

Excitedly yours,

Jeremy David

Penelope Cruz
C/O William Morris Agency
151 El Camino Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Penelope,

Thank goodness you are not related to Tom Cruise… He is a little bit crazy, don’t you think? That whole Scientology thing? Wow. I hope you’re not into Scientology, because if you are, golly gee - I might have well just put my foot in my mouth.

I rarely watch Oprah, but i was watching it that time Tom Cruise was on. Before all that media hype – ages ago. I knew immediately that Tom Cruise was crazy. It was actually painful to watch. I was embarrassed for him – I had to turn the TV off, it was so awkward. I did a bunch of research on the Internet about Scientology and it’s bizarre. An alien genocide leaking ghosts onto Earth that must be “audited” away by paying money? Sounds like something a science fiction writer would invent. Oh wait, Scientology was the brainchild of Ron Hubbard – the author of Battlefield Earth. John Travolta started in the movie. He’s a big Scientologist. See the connection? Wow, that story went full circle. Amazing.

I’m sure you get all sorts of letters, so I’ll finish mine here. It would really make my day if you could send me a response.

You’re my hero!

Jeremy David

Lindsay Lohan
c/o Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825
USA

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I was wondering what you thought about the current military coup in Thailand. Are you planning on helping out in anyway? With your tremendous celebrity influence, you could evoke serious change. I implore you to do so.

I also implore you to send me an autographed photo. That would be swell.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Jeffrey P Bezos
1200 12th Avenue South
Seattle, WA 98144-2734

Dear Jeffery,

I was wondering why you don’t sell ankle socks on Amazon.com. I could really use some new socks. And a safety razor.

I saw this video on YouTube about “wetshaving”. It was pretty cool. That’s what made me think of buying a safety razor. Apparently, it’s like an old fashioned car. I guess I need one of those badger things too. I don’t know why someone would shave their face with a razor that is the equivalent to an old fashion car, but it’s hip and cool. I really like wet shaving. It lets me shave at night so I can get up in the morning and Stairmaster without having to have a really long shower (I used to shave in the shower in the morning). I started Stairmastering for 45 minutes everyday. It’s part of my quest for a six pack.

I went to London Drugs and looked at razor blades for an old fashioned razor. They were wreally expensive! I don’t understand.

Oh well. Have a nice week,

Jeremy David

To Whom It May Concern:

I was wondering if your Wow! Fat Substitute Olestra chips are still on the market.

I recently completed a cost-benefit analysis of anal-leakage vs being thin, and I decided that being thin is worth anal-leakage.

‘Although underwear staining and anal leakage do not endanger consumers’ physical health, those phenomena could cause psychological problems, including feelings of embarrassment and insecurity.”
http://www.cspinet.org/olestra/11cons.html

I can assure you that I will have neither psychological problems, nor feelings of embarrassment and insecurity.

Can you please put me in contact with a supplier of your fat-substitute?

Many thanks,

Jeremy David