Entries from September 2006 ↓

General Motors Corporation
P.O. Box 33170
Detroit, MI 48232-5170

To Whom It May Concern:

I am interested in ordering a GM EV1. I would like to buy an electric car. Can you please put me in contact with an appropriate dealer?

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

steve@mac.com
sjobs@apple.com
theboss@apple.com

Dear Steve Jobs,

Congratulations on the tremendous success of your company. I am a big fan of the video weblog “Rocketboom”, and saw your video presentation linked from their site.

I am really excited about the new iTV. It is the perfect complement to your revolutionary media devices and services. I thought of an idea that will dramatically increase the value of your new product.

You should have a cable adapter that plugs into the USB2.0 slot on the back of the iTV device. Once hooked into cable, the iTV should broadcast the cable signal to the networked computer(s). Through iTunes, viewers should be able to record, pause, and rewind TV shows on their computer. The amount of possibilities are endless. For example, someone could choose shows to record and watch them at a later time (much like some products that are already available). This feature would make iTV a vital component of all home networks and media centres, and would dramatically increase the sales of your products - further extending the reach of your iTunes software.

You do not need to pay me for this idea; all I ask for is recognition. However, I certainly would not say no to a top-of-the-line Apple notebook and my very own iTV when it becomes available
Keep up the good work, and as always, I am very excited about your future products and services.

Jeremy David

Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825
USA

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Jeremy David. As you may have noticed, I write letters every day – sometimes to some of your celebrity clients.

I read an article today in the paper about a girl named Lonelygirl15. Apparently, she was a creation of yours.

How do I go about becoming a creation of yours? How about lonelyjeremy21? If it makes a difference, I was also born in New Zealand.

I expect facial reconstruction, and large Gucci sunglasses.

I eagerly anticipate your reply.

Yours truly,

Jeremy David

Jamie Oliver
P.O. Box 51372,
London N1 7WX.

Dear Jamie,

I remember going into Chapters when I was young and picking up a book titled “the Naked Chef”. Red cheeked, I slyly turned the pages – being extra careful to make sure no one was witnessing my pervertedness. I was curious to see a naked chef, but as I progressed through the book I became disappointed that there was no naked chef anywhere on the pages.

Why do you call yourself the naked chef if you are not naked?

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

mike@michaelmoore.com

Dear Michael Moore,

I am involved in the University of Victoria’s Student Society, and my time here has shown me that student politics is just as intense as the real thing – maybe even more so. A lot of “interesting” things happen in our society… and I encourage you to check out http://www.uvss.uvic.ca/board/index.html#meetings and look at some of the minutes from February, March, and April of last year. If this doesn’t scream blockbuster documentary, I don’t know what does.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

**Automatic Reply**

Your email regarding “Dear Stephen Hawking” has been received.

Professor Hawking very much regrets that due to the severe limitations he
works under, and the huge amount of mail he receives, he may not have time
to write you a reply. All e-mail is read. We do not have the facilities
in to deal with the specific scientific enquiries, or theories we receive.

Please see the website http://www.hawking.org.uk for more information
about Professor Hawking, his life and his work.

Yours faithfully

David Pond

Graduate Assistant to
Professor S W Hawking CH CBE FRS

Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics,
University of Cambridge,
Cambridge,
CB3 0WA.
United Kingdom.

David Pond,

I thought I would take this opportunity and express to you in words how unacceptable your response to my email was. If I had the opportunity to preform an interpretive dance that explained how I feel I would, but that option is not only impracticable but also impossible.

We, the people, made Stephen Hawking who is he. Without us, no one would buy his books, attend his lectures, or recognize his greatness. He would be teaching to a population that did not exist. I am disappointed. Extremely.

Here is my previous email:

“I would like to send you some fan mail.

Please provide me your mailing address.

Jeremy David”

Oh. I just realized you included his mailing address in your letter. If you sensed any hostility in the previous paragraphs, please disregard it.

Expect some fain mail in the next few months.

Yours faithfully,

Jeremy David

Paris Hilton
c/o Jason Moore
Paris Hilton Entertainment
250 North Canon Dr Fl 2
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

September 6, 2006

Dear Paris Hilton,

I vowed never to write you; however, due to an unfortunate series of events I was forced to changed my mind.

Everyday I write a letter to a different person. So far I have written Jim Donald, the Academy Awards, Meryl Streep, Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush, Steven Spielberg, Google, Martha Stewart, Sigourney Weaver, Andrew Baron and Joanne Colan, Moya Greene (CEO of Canada Post), Earls, Stephen Hawking, Donald Trump, the visitors to my website, someone who sent me an email, Peter Robinson, Amy Gross (the Editor of Oprah Magazine), Keanu Reeves, Suzie Orman, and Ingrid Newkirk.

Only the Academy Awards has written me back, and I have a feeling they think I am crazy.

So I am writing you because I am confident that you will write me back. And because I love you enormously. Not in a creepy sort of way – more like the way someone loves their country. Well, maybe not that much. How about: I love you the same way someone loves their country if they have given up their citizenship and are now living in a different country. Yes. I love you that much. Hmmm, I think writing you this letter has made me realize why no one writes me back.

I hope all is well.

I look forward to your reply.

Jeremy David

P.S. If you choose not to reply, I would appreciate a cheque for the $.89 I spent on the postage to mail this letter. *hugs and ponies*

Ingrid Newkirk
501 Front St.
Norfolk, VA 23510

Dear Ingrid,

I was wondering what PETA’s stance on human testing is. Can a consenting person be used as a test subject?

If so, what age are people allowed to be tested on? Does is vary by country? Socioeconomic status? In the US the legal drinking age is 21, so would one have to be 21 to be tested on? What about in Alberta, Canada, where the legal drinking age is 18?

Or maybe it is the legal age to drive? If we can trust a member of society to drive a car, should we should trust their judgment regarding allowing their body to be used for testing? In Alberta, farmers as young as 14 can obtain a drivers license.

What about mental ilness? Obviously, mentally challenged individuals should not be used as test subjects. But where do draw the line? What criteria should we use to determine if someone is eligible?

Then we get drawn into issues of stem cells. If I were a woman, could I donate my eggs to be tested on? What if I were dead, like organ donors? Are they my eggs to give? What about a fetus? Would PETA approve my choice to fetus farm?

I would really appreciate your opinions and PETA’s stance on these matters.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Suzie Orman
c/o
Riverhead Books
375 Hudson Street
Office #4079
New York, NY 10014

Dear Suzie Orman,

It’s great that you write books teaching people how to live within their means… but what about people who want to live excessively? I want to have 10 great years, and then I’ll declare bankruptcy. Maybe I’ll move to Thailand, and live there until I die.

What’s the best way to convince a bank to lend me several million dollars? If anyone can find a way, I know it’s you.

I really appreciate your help,

Jeremy David

p.s. I love your show!