Entries from October 2006 ↓

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I am concerned with the recent conglomeration of web 2.0 websites. As everyone in the world is now aware, YouTube was just acquired by Google. It’s rumored that Facebook is going to be bought by Yahoo.

One of the main reasons these community websites exist is to be an alternative to mainstream media conglomeration. It’s the future of news – unfiltered by advertisers and their interests, or other people with an agenda.

I am scared to see what happens to Facebook when it becomes another service in the Yahoo portfolio.

I do, however, understand why you would sell out. Who could say no to a billion dollars?

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

Dear Jyoti Mishra,

I’ve heard your song Your Woman on and off since I bought it on Now 4 or whatever compilation CD it came on. I’ve always been intrigued by the lyrics and finally have decided to write you a letter and find out what you really mean.

Just tell me what you’ve got to say to me
I’ve been waiting for so long to hear the truth
It comes as no surprise at all you see
So cut the crap and tell me that we’re through

Now I know your heart, I know your mind
You don’t even know you’re bein’ unkind
So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways
Just use me up and then you walk away
Boy, you can’t play me that way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

CHORUS:
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman

When I saw my best friend yesterday
She said she never liked you from the start
Well me, I wish that I could claim the same
But you always knew you held my heart

And you’re such a charming, handsome man
Now I think I finally understand
Is it in your genes? I don’t know
But I’ll soon find out, that’s for sure
Why did you play me this way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

(CHORUS)

Well I guess what they say is true
I could never spend my life with a man like you

It’s obvious from the lyrics you are singing about a man. Now my question is, are you singing the song as if you were a woman, or a man? My take on the song is that you are singing about a cliché highschool bi/jock who breaks your heart because he turns ungay. ‘makes sense to me!

Anyway, thank you in advance for your response! I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

robertscoble@hotmail.com

Dear Robert Scoble,

I was reading the newspaper the other day and saw an ariticle about Wal-Mart testing its new uniforms - in an attempt to “attract more upscale shoppers”. haahahha.

Every day I write letters to random people. Unfortunately, I have nothing else funny, witty, sarcastic, random, or even boring to say to you!

Do you have any ideas about what I should write about and/or who I should write to?

I hope you have a fantastic Canadian Thanksgiving Weekend!

Celebration,

Jeremy David

Dear Sara Ramirez,I love you on Grey’s Anatomy. Are you as cool in real life as you are on the TV show? Because wow – like the wow in my email address… I’d love to have a friend like you.

I hope all is well.

Could you plllleeeaassseeee send me an autograph and/or greeting card! That would be fantastic!

Cheers,

Jeremy David

Jim Donald
CEO Starbucks
PO Box 34067
Seattle, Washington
98124-1067

Dear Jim Donald – Chief Executive Officer of Starbucks,

I wrote you a beautiful letter sincerely thanking you for your kindness and generosity. Unfortunately, you have proven to me that everything “they” say about Starbucks is true. It seems to me, from your nonresponse, that I really am just a corporate whore, selling myself to corporations that do not care about me.

If you look into your data-mining servers you will see that I have spent literally thousands of dollars in your store. I have been buying Starbucks coffee for most of my life. Multiple times a week. I liked the way it made me feel, going into the store.

But now that has changed. You have shown me that all you care about is money.

Dear Jeremy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. We really appreciate the time and effort you put into your letter. I hope you have a fantastic summer!

Sincerely,

Jim Donald.

I timed that, and it took about 30 seconds to write. I am sure you have an administrative staff that could have even written the letter on your behalf, had you to sign it, and then mailed it for you.

But instead, you decided to show me that you don’t care.

I’m going to give you one chance to correct this situation. Prove me wrong. Show me that your company really does care about its customers.

Signed,

Jeremy David

September 26, 2006,

Jeremy David
SUPER
SECRET
ADDRESS

Dear Jeremy,

Thank you for your note regarding testing on humans, Please allow me to respond on Ingrid’s behalf.

PETA is opposed to inflicting suffering on any living being, so we would be against experiments performed on anyone against their will. Instead, scientists should place a greater emphasis on prevention and the search for alternatives rather than cause any living being to suffer in the name of science.

Please see the enclosed fact sheet for information on stem cell research. For more about experimentation and alternatives, please see the enclosed materials [donation request form, stem cell research, alternatives] and visit our Web site StopAnimalTests.com.

Thanks again for writing and your concern on behalf of animals!

Sincerely,

Heidi Parker
Correspondent

[my letter]

Dear Anonmyous Visitor,

Thank you for your kind words:

New comment on your post #44 “Penelope Cruz”

Author : jeremy david (IP: 24.69.78.43 ,
S0106000d936de1be.gv.shawcable.net)
you’re a fag.

New comment on your post #49 “Nobel Peace Prize”
Author : jeremy david (IP: 24.69.78.43 ,
S0106000d936de1be.gv.shawcable.net)
Are you 12 years old?

I love hate mail. And this situation is funny because I bet you actually came back to my website and are reading this. ZING!

However, I think you need to work a little on your insults, because your words left no bitter taste in my mouth. Lets start with “You’re a fag.”

“You’re a fag” is probably the worst insult you could have come up with. If someone is gay and you call them gay, their thought process will be something along the lines of “Yes, I am gay.” That’s it. They don’t care. If someone is not gay, they will simply say “No, I’m not a fag.” Either way, kids stopped saying that when the left the playground.

Here’s the Oxford English Dictionary’s take on the word:

1. That which causes weariness; hard work, toil, drudgery, fatigue. colloq.

2. a. In English public schools, a junior who performs certain duties for a senior. Also transf. a drudge.

b. Cricket. A fieldsman. Obs.

3. attrib. as fag-day, -partner (cf. fagging partner under FAGGING ppl. a.).

4. Something that hangs loose; a flap. In quot. attrib. See also FAG-END.

5. = FAG-END in various senses.

6. dial. a. An odd strip of land. b. Odds and ends of pasture-grass.

7. A ‘knot’ in cloth.

8. A parasitic insect which infects sheep; a sheep-tick; hence a disease of sheep. Also, sheep-fag. dial. attrib. fag-water (see quot.).

9. a. The fag-end of a cigarette. b. A cheap cigarette. c. Any cigarette (the current use). Also attrib., as fag card, a cigarette card; fag hag (see quot. 1945).

Ahh, here is the definition you were looking for. It’s in reference to one of the many definitions of faggot, or fagot.

1923 N. ANDERSON Hobo vii. 103 Fairies or Fags are men or boys who exploit sex for profit. 1931 ‘D. STIFF’ Milk & Honey Route 205 Fagot or fag, a road kid with homosexual tendencies. 1932 HEMINGWAY Death in Afternoon 298 Maricón, a sodomite, nance, queen, fairy, fag, etc… Interested parties..are continually proving that Leonardo da Vinci, Shakespeare, etc., were fags. 1939 R. CHANDLER Big Sleep xii. 90 A stealthy nastiness, like a fag party. 1957 J. KEROUAC On Road (1958) III. v. 206 The car belonged to a tall, thin fag. 1964 ‘L. EGAN’ My Name is Death v. 49 You can’t tell the fags from outside looks.

Ooooh, stealthy nastiness - sounds fantastic.

In response to Are you 12 years old?. No. I’m 21. If I were twelve, I doubt I would know who Tina Turner is. Or, for that matter, have a website in the first place. I think what you were trying to say is you are immature – which I cannot deny.

I think a more fitting insult would have been: Your letters are not funny. And to that, I agree whole heartedly.

Anyway, I sincerely thank you for your comments and I implore you to do so again.

Many Hugs,

Jeremy David