I was on a date a few months ago and my ex love interest said “of everyone I’ve ever met up with, you are second best.” Ha ha, someone’s complementation skills need improving. Urgently.

However, I thought I would tell you that of every video blog I’ve ever watched, yours is second best. Now realistically, being the second best of thousands of video blogs isn’t all that bad. But of course, I’m sure you are wondering which is my first.

All I’ll tell you is that I’ve sent them fan mail before, and have yet to receive a response. I get the impression they are too good for me. Le sigh. Who needs them anyway.

I was thinking I should adopt some sort of mascot. Obviously ducks are taken. Any suggestions?

Hugs and ponies,

Jeremy David

Dear Rocketboom,

Tina Turner’s Private Dancer is arguably one of the best songs in the world.

You don’t look at their faces
and you don’t ask their names
you don’t think of them as human
you don’t think of them at all
you keep your mind on the money
keeping your eyes on the wall. oh.

Sorry.

I remember you were asking people to vote on backgrounds you tried out this cool blue and white mosaic-esque map of the world, and I was wondering if you still had it. I really liked it and was hoping to use it for my vlog.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Dear Santa Claus,

It’s been twelve years since my last letter.

Ever since I moved away to University, about four years ago, I stopped getting presents from you. Did I do something wrong? Did I somehow end up on end up on the naughty list? I don’t think I did anything that bad.

Anyway. I was looking at this Equifax thing where you can get a credit report, and I was hoping you had some sort of service like that. If you never tell people what they are doing wrong, they can’t really improve. Of all people, I thought you would be the first to lead with transparency and accountability in your selection process.

And that just makes me wonder what your definition of “naughty” is exactly. Where do you draw the line? How bad does one really have to be to be considered “bad”?

I hope this letter finds you well and reaches you before Christmas.

Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

Happy Christmas,
Jeremy David

- – -

Who would you like me to write to next? Email me with your suggestions!

Today, you get to vote on whether or not I should revive this hobby. If you want to take a look at some of my old letters, you can check out the To Whom It May Concern section of this site. If you vote in favor, you’ll get to suggest who I write to and what I should say. Please keep this in mind when you vote because if you don’t suggest anything, I will be forced to cry one thousand seventeen tears. Hate mail to Tyra Banks? A heated letter to your non-gender specific mail delivery person? Like all my decisions, you’ll decide. I’ll also revitalize the layout (in other words – copy the template from this site) and make it seamlessly integrate with jeremydavid.com. If you vote against, I’ll allocate my time to other things.

Happy voting.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Don’t forget about the Twelve Holiday Acts of Nondenominational Kindness. There have only been about 12 suggestions.

November 6, 2006

Dear Nicola Valley Honey Producers,

I love honey. It’s very delicious.

Last February I did “The Master Cleanse.” All I ate, err drank, for 7 days was a mixture of Maple Syrup, Lemon Juice, and Cayenne Pepper. And Laxitive tea. I was supposed to drink a liter of salt water every morning but I physically couldn’t drink it. While this may seem like a random tangent, it really isn’t. Stanley Burroughs, the author of The Master Cleanser wrote:

Honey must not be used at any time internally. It is manufactured from the nectar picked up from the flowers by the bees—good enough in itself, perhaps—then predigested, vomited and stored for their own future use with a preservative added. It is deficient in calcium and has many detrimental effects for the human being.

According to one authority, honey is “a magical and mystical word in Healthfoodland. It is one of the most overpromoted, overpriced product being sold to gullible health foodists. The great value attributed to honey is delusive…honey is only a little less empty and more dangerous than sugar.”

Just as with alcohol, honey, being predigested, enters the blood directly, raising the sugar content very rapidly above normal. To correct this, the pancreas must produce insulin immediately or possible death can occur. More insulin than necessary is likely to be produced, and the blood sugar level then drops below normal. This can produce blackout spells and even death if it goes to low. When blood sugar is below normal, a person will feel depressed. The regular use of honey can create constant imbalances wich in turn will adversely affect the normal function of the liver, pancreas and spleen. Hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia are the results of the use of unbalanced sugars. The balanced sugar in maple syrup and sugar can juice causes no dangerous side effects. Artificial, synthetic, and refined sugars have no place in a natural diet.

I’m very impressionable and susceptible. I don’t want to die. Do you think you counter-argue his arguments so I can continue to enjoy your spectacular honey?

Have a great honey producing season,

Jeremy David

p.s. How much honey can I safely consume without getting fat?

I just found your blog that coincidently has the exact same name as mine and is about the exact same thing.

I am sad because:

a) your letters are funnier than mine
b) you have been doing it a lot longer than me

I think the only solution to this problem will be found by jousting. I cordially invite you to joust.

Sincerely,

Jeremy David

p.s. I promised myself I would stop sending emails, and I have already cheated!

As you probably can tell, I love writing letters. They are not particularity funny, and they do not make much sense. But writing them is a lot of fun.

However, in the last month my thought process has gone from “ha ha ha, I really want to write a letter…” to “Who am I going to write to today?” It’s a very subtle difference, but it’s concerning me. Sometimes I have even gone from writing real letters, which was the original point of “To Whom It May Concern:” to emailing people. This is not cool, and not part of my original plan.

So I have decided to reduce the amount of letters I write, but write better letters. Real, good snail mail – not emails. Well, I guess the quality of the letters is subjective, but I will be happier with them and I hope you will as well.

I really appreciate your patronage and look I forward to writing Monday’s letter.

Cheers,

Jeremy David

I was wondering what you thought about Tyra Banks. Do you appreciate her admiration of you? Or do you think her blatant self promotion is tacky and unprofessional? Personally, when I watch America Next Top Model, I always ask myself why it isn’t called the Tyra Banks Show. Then I remind myself that she already has a Tyra Banks Show.

Anyway, I’m a little ho-hum about this whole situation, so I think I’ll exit gracefully.

Keep up the fantastic work!

Hugs and Poodles,

Jeremy David